


the sun can't shine

by Rethira



Category: Tales of Xillia 2
Genre: M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-18 14:12:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5931331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rethira/pseuds/Rethira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Julius spends two weeks thinking about the kiss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the sun can't shine

**Author's Note:**

> for tumblr user [doctormagikarp](doctormagikarp.tumblr.com)!

Julius wakes up to a strange, soft feeling. He’s warm, safe and he can smell Ludger’s shampoo. It’s almost a shame to open his eyes.

When he does, Julius can’t quite make sense of what he’s seeing. Ludger’s face is... very close. So close he can see Ludger’s eyelashes. There’s a cute little frown just between Ludger’s eyebrows and-

The soft feeling is Ludger’s lips pressing against Julius’.

Julius inhales in horror before he can stop himself, pushing Ludger away – he gets a brief glimpse of Ludger’s wide, surprised eyes before Ludger goes blurry. Julius fumbles for his glasses, feeling suddenly vulnerable without them. Ludger’s on the other side of the room when Julius finally gets his glasses on, staring at the floor and biting his lip.

“I- I’m sorry,” Ludger says, and before Julius can say anything he’s gone, disappearing into his room. It locks behind him with a final sort of _click_.

Julius is left sitting there, half wrapped in a blanket – Ludger’s blanket, he always wraps Julius up when he falls asleep on the sofa – the feel of his brother’s lips against his still fresh in his mind, with _no idea_ what to do.

 

Ludger doesn’t wake Julius up the next morning. Breakfast is still on the table – omelettes with a tomato side, and they’re still warm when Julius finally staggers out of his room – but Ludger’s just not there. Rollo purrs at Julius and begs for more food and normally, _normally_ , Julius would go over to the cupboard only to have Ludger tut and say, “I already fed him this morning, Julius!”

Today, Ludger doesn’t say anything at all. Today, no matter how much Rollo begs, Julius doesn’t go over to the cupboard.

He writes a note for Ludger. It says, _Thanks for breakfast. It was delicious. I’ll see you tonight. I love you._

Despite it, he doesn’t see Ludger that night. Dinner’s on the table – pasta margherita, and Ludger must _really_ be trying to apologise – but Ludger’s locked in his room again. He doesn’t come out all night, even when Julius knocks and says, “Hey, Ludger? I... you know I’ll always love you, right?”

Later that night, Julius is pretty sure he hears Ludger crying.

 

(“i’ll always love you” julius says, but how can he when ludger’s – when ludger’s like _this_?

he’s- he’s disgusting. horrible. only someone horrible would want to kiss his brother- only someone disgusting would want to do even _more_ to his brother. even now, ludger still wants to

even now that julius knows what a horrible person ludger is)

 

The next week is like that too. Breakfast and dinner on the table, and Ludger still does his chores... just not while Julius is around. He doesn’t reply to any of Julius’ notes, and even ignores Rollo’s whining outside his door. Julius falls asleep outside Ludger’s door more than once – he wakes up in the morning, a pillow shoved under his head and a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, and Ludger long gone.

He can’t go on like this. _They_ can’t go on like this.

It would be easy to catch Ludger of course. Julius knows that. All he has to do is take a day off and stay at home – hell, even coming home early would be enough.

He doesn’t.

He gets tenser and tenser, and stays out later than usual.

Dinner’s still hot no matter how late he gets home.

 

Two and a half weeks or so after Ludger kissed him, Vera sends Julius and Rideaux into a fractured dimension.

“She doesn’t trust you,” Rideaux mocks, when they appear in the fractured Trigleph. “You’ve been off your game lately.”

“I’ll get the job done,” Julius replies, because it’s unthinkable that he won’t.

“Hn. Or _I_ will,” Rideaux says, turning on his heel and striding away towards the station. He doesn’t massacre people anymore, like- like they used to. There’s no sport in it, Rideaux had said, when Julius wasn’t also competing.

(they were going to die anyway, julius tells himself, but he knows that doesn’t make it any better)

Julius walks the other way from Rideaux, past the Spirius building, and it’s this twist of fate that means he sees himself – the other him – come out of the building and hurry towards the station. He’s running, obviously late, and Julius thinks, _why not?_

Ludger probably won’t even be home. It’s a weekday – he’ll be out, busy. Julius could go and wait and still not see Ludger. Rideaux will probably find the divergence catalyst before Ludger gets home, and Julius will... Julius will still not have seen Ludger.

So he goes.

He won’t be there, Julius tells himself a thousand times. He won’t be there.

And yet, when Julius opens the apartment door there he is – Ludger’s wiping down the table, Rollo underfoot, and he straightens when Julius comes in and says, “Julius! Did you forget something?”

Try _everything_.

Ludger makes a soft, surprised noise when Julius enfolds him in a hug, but he doesn’t protest. He wriggles around a little, tucks his head against Julius’ shoulder, and hugs back and Julius- Julius shudders once, in pure, aching _relief_ because even if this isn’t _his_ Ludger it’s still _Ludger_.

“Never again,” Julius whispers, “never again.”

Ludger makes a small confused noise, and the fractured dimension shatters around Julius.

“No,” Julius shouts, “no, no, no!”

When the light clears, Rideaux says, smirking, “That was easy.”

 

(julius doesn’t notice ludger watching him today – he’s so tired when he comes in

it’s all ludger’s fault. he works so hard for both of them, and he’s always falling asleep on the sofa, and usually it’s enough just to see him but that night – _that night_ -

tonight is a lot like that one was. julius barely touches his dinner. he collapses onto the sofa without even taking his glasses off, and he’s asleep in seconds. he’s curled up so his back’s to the door, and he looks so vulnerable and _ludger_ did that, ludger made julius like this-

even so, ludger creeps out of his room, a blanket and a pillow clutched in his hands and he wraps the blanket over julius’ broad shoulders and tucks the pillow under julius’ head, and carefully takes julius’ glasses off and puts them on the table

“ludger,” julius murmurs, still half asleep

and ludger’s voice freezes in his throat, like it has every time before – he runs back to his room, almost tripping over rollo in his haste, and locks the door behind him)

 

There’s another Ludger in another fractured dimension after that. With no Rideaux to babysit, Julius can take as long as he likes, and he smiles and sits down to dinner with a Ludger who is and isn’t his brother and feels the knots of tension and pain slowly ease.

It would be so easy to stay.

But this dimension’s Julius will come back sooner or later, and Julius can’t bear to see the horror on Ludger’s face, so he leaves in the end. He shatters it, like he’s meant to, with Ludger’s stolen watch, and goes back home to _his_ brother who still won’t talk to him.

Something will have to break this yawning silence, but... but it won’t be Julius.

 

“A kiss,” Ludger says. He’s blushing a little, won’t quite meet Julius’ eyes, and Julius lost count of how many Ludgers he’s visited a while ago, but this is the first one who’s said anything like this. “I want a kiss.” Despite the blush, he sounds pretty determined.

Julius takes a shaky breath. “Well, who am I to deny my cute brother anything?” he says, dropping a kiss on Ludger’s forehead.

Ludger shoves Julius’ shoulder and says, “A _proper_ kiss, Julius!” He points to his mouth. There... really can’t be any doubt about it.

Julius licks his lips and kisses Ludger.

Ludger’s lips are soft and dry. He doesn’t make any move to deepen it – neither of them do – and makes only a small noise of protest when Julius moves away. He still doesn’t look satisfied.

“You’re being weird today, Julius,” Ludger says, folding his arms, and glaring mulishly up at Julius. “Ki- kiss me like you mean it.”

“Like I mean it, hm?” Julius murmurs, thoughtfully, and this time when he kisses Ludger he pulls his brother close and tilts his head and it’s... it’s so _easy_.

Ludger gasps, and it’s _good_ , shockingly good the way his lips feel against Julius’. Ludger wraps his arms around Julius’ neck, moaning sweetly, and his tongue brushes against Julius’ lips and... well, why not? This isn’t Julius’ Ludger, after all and-

And he _wants_ to.

He’s _wanted_ to for weeks. Months, even _years_. Since well before Ludger kissed him this is what _Julius_ has wanted, his little brother in his arms, soft and pliant and _asking_ to be kissed, and now he _has_ it, even just for a moment.

When they finally break apart, Ludger’s mouth is flushed red and he looks a little dazed. He raises a hand to his lips. “Oh,” Ludger says.

Julius kisses him again.

 

The divergence catalyst is the ring worn by a woman in Duval.

 

(there’s something different about julius when he comes home that night

he’s happier

it hurts a bit, to know that he can be happy without ludger, but ludger’s glad too. julius _should_ be happy

and yet... ludger can’t help but want to kiss him again)

 

He shouldn’t have done it.

 

Kissing one Ludger lets him think about kissing _other_ Ludgers – lets Julius think about kissing _his_ Ludger.

Ludger wants to. Maybe? He was... he was kissing Julius.

But it would be wrong. They’re brothers. They’re _brothers_ , and everything Julius has done for the last fourteen years has been to protect Ludger. And he shouldn’t- he _won’t_ just throw that away.

 

Julius wakes up to a soft feeling. He’s warm, safe and can feel Rollo purring against his side. Faintly, he can smell Ludger’s shampoo. And then-

A familiar touch against his lips, so familiar because wasn’t he just doing this only a day ago and in another dimension?

Julius’ eyes fly open and he finally sees Ludger, _his_ Ludger for the first time in- in _weeks_ -

He looks miserable.

Miserable and terrified, already jumping back, and Julius is grabbing Ludger’s wrist before he really registers it and saying, “Don’t. Don’t go.”

Ludger bursts into tears.

Julius pulls him down against his chest, tucks Ludger’s head against his shoulder, murmuring soothingly, and it just feels so good to be holding Ludger again even if he’s crying – of course he’s crying, why wouldn’t he be crying?

“I’m here,” Julius murmurs, “I’ll always be here, Ludger. Nothing could _ever_ make me leave you, Ludger.”

“I love you,” Ludger sobs, and Julius holds him tighter.

 

They don’t really talk that night. Ludger cries himself asleep against Julius’ chest, and they stay together on the sofa, wrapped up and around each other. Julius hardly sleeps, sure that if Ludger wakes before him, Ludger will flee back to his room. But Ludger wakes well after he does, still wrapped in Julius’ arms – in fact, he snuggles deeper into Julius’ chest and mumbles, “I don’t wanna get up.”

“Me neither,” Julius agrees, running his fingers through Ludger’s hair. It’s soft.

Rollo meows at them after a while, demandingly. Ludger reaches down to stroke him, rubbing at his ears and cheeks and soon enough Rollo starts purring. He clambers up beside them, pushing until he can lie next to them.

Ludger sighs happily. “This feels nice,” he murmurs, stroking Rollo gently.

“Mm.” Julius rubs Ludger’s back lightly and kisses his forehead, and leans back against the sofa.

Ludger shifts a little, awkwardly. “We should... we should talk,” he whispers.

“Later,” Julius replies. “I missed you.”

Ludger’s breath catches in his throat. When he speaks he sounds on the verge of tears again. “I missed you too, Julius.”

 

Julius calls in sick to work. It’s his first day off in months – they probably don’t believe him. But it’s worth it for breakfast, sat across from Ludger, smiling and nudging each other’s feet. Rollo begs for treats and Ludger says, “He’ll get fat,” and it’s like- like before, and Julius has to reach across the table and just hold his brother’s hand for a little while.

Julius puts on Beach Brigade Sunscreen Rangers – not that Ludger’s ever really watched it, but... it’s something to just have on – and they curl back up on the sofa, wrapped around each other. This is how they should be, how they should _always_ be, Julius thinks.

And then Ludger turns and kisses the corner of Julius’ jaw and murmurs, “We should... talk.”

Julius swallows. “Yeah,” he agrees.

“Did- do you....” Ludger stops. He rests his head against Julius’ shoulder, and plucks at his pyjamas nervously. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“Don’t- don’t be sorry,” Julius insists.

“But-”

Julius stops Ludger’s protest the only way he can.

 

(julius is kissing him

julius is _kissing_ him)

 

It’s not at all like kissing the other Ludger. They both start crying after a while, Ludger saying, “I love you, I love you, Julius,” and his mouth tastes salty under Julius’.

Julius cups Ludger’s face and says, “I love you too, Ludger,” and it breaks his heart to see the way Ludger smiles.

Later, Ludger says, “It’s wrong, isn’t it? How I feel....”

Julius manages a little shrug. A lot of things have been wrong in their family but it’s never really stopped anyone before. “I’m not going to lie to you, Ludger. But... you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Julius strokes Ludger’s cheek.

Ludger gives Julius a wobbly sort of smile, still a little uncertain, and asks, “Is it okay?”

And Julius confesses, “Truthfully, Ludger... I wanted to kiss you, too,” and maybe they both start crying again, but it’s fine. It’s fine.

 

They go back to having breakfast and dinner together, and Ludger still complains when Julius buys Rollo Royal Feast instead of his normal Kitty Krisps. Ludger wakes Julius up in the mornings, like he always used to, but now he does it with a kiss instead of a knock to Julius’ door. When Julius comes home, he greets Ludger with a kiss, careful and gentle. It’s different... but nice.

And then-

A kiss after dinner turns into something _more_. Ludger’s hands slide under Julius’ shirt, and they trip backwards towards the sofa, Julius twisting at the last second so he lands with Ludger in his lap – the both break apart with a gasp, Ludger flushed up to his ears, and Julius’ glasses slightly askew and- and he _wants_.

“ _Julius_ ,” Ludger whines, pressing his hands flat against Julius’ stomach, and it’s all Julius can do to nod. Ludger immediately starts unbuttoning Julius’ shirt with trembling fingers, leaning down to kiss at every new inch of bared skin.

“Ludger,” Julius says, rubbing small circles on Ludger’s back, “you-”

“I want to,” Ludger interrupts, hiding his face in Julius’ chest, “I really, really want to.”

“Okay,” Julius murmurs, “okay.” He hisses when Ludger’s mouth grazes his nipple.

Ludger’s eyes flick up to his face, before he licks over it again tentatively, and asks, “You like that?”

Julius groans in response, and moans when Ludger starts licking his nipple more confidently. “Yeah, Ludger,” Julius says, “j-just like that.”

Ludger squirms in his lap, and it _should_ be disgusting to feel- to feel his erection – he’s hard, _Ludger’s hard_ – but instead it just makes heat pool low in Julius’ stomach. He clutches at Ludger’s hips and rolls up against him briefly just, just to show Ludger he’s not alone-

Ludger gasps around Julius’ nipple, head flying up to stare at Julius and he says, “Oh, _oh_ ,” and looks on the verge of tears again. Julius pulls Ludger down into a kiss, licking his way into Ludger’s mouth. He tastes like the tomatoes they were just eating.

Ludger twists away, kissing along Julius’ jaw and rolling his hips a little, hands still glued to Julius’ stomach. Julius starts carefully untucking Ludger’s shirt – when his finger grazes Ludger’s skin, Ludger whimpers softly against Julius’ throat, shuddering slightly.

“Julius,” he says, “more.”

So Julius deftly undoes Ludger’s tie, tossing it away and then unbuttoning Ludger’s shirt, swallowing thickly as Ludger’s chest is bared to him. Ludger shrugs off his shirt and suspenders, a little awkwardly, hands settling back on Julius’ shoulders after a moment. They just look at each other for a while, half undressed, and it’s... weird.

Ludger giggles nervously.

“You’re... you’re really beautiful,” Julius says.

Ludger makes an odd whining noise, ears going red, and shoves his hands over Julius’ mouth. “Don’t say that! It’s embarrassing!”

Julius licks the palm of Ludger’s hand, eyes crinkling when Ludger squawks in protest, and tugs him back down into another kiss. “You are though,” he murmurs, in between kisses, “my lovely Ludger.”

Ludger squirms, hands dragging down Julius’ chest – he pinches lightly at Julius’ nipples in a kind of revenge, nipping Julius’ lips the next kiss.

 

(he still can’t quite believe it

still can’t quite believe that julius is here and kissing him – can’t quite believe that he can feel julius’ erection pressed against his stomach, hot and hard and needy and everything he’s wanted for months

ludger leans back on his heels, panting, and just looks for a moment

it’s really happening. this is really, really absolutely happening

“ludger?” julius asks, voice soft

“it’s nothing” ludger replies, licking his lips and going back in for another kiss)

 

Julius pushes Ludger down onto the sofa. He tugs off his shirt and drops it on the floor – Ludger tuts – and leans down to kiss Ludger’s throat.

“Okay?” Julius asks.

“More,” Ludger breathes, hands settling on Julius’ hips and fingers dipping under the waist of his pants. Daringly, one slides down over the curve of Julius’ ass and squeezes – even Ludger looks a little shocked at his own audacity. “I’m touching your butt,” he says, practically tripping over the words.

“You can,” Julius says, “I. I like it.”

Ludger goes red, but he does squeeze Julius’ ass again. Julius grinds his hips down against Ludger’s and they both groan. Julius slips his own hand down into Ludger’s trousers, cupping Ludger’s erection carefully – half of him can barely believe he’s doing this, Ludger’s his _brother_ , but Ludger looks _so_ -

“Julius,” Ludger begs, and it doesn’t take long at all for him to come with Julius’ hand wrapped around his cock. He trembles and gasps, fingers on one hand digging into Julius’ ass while his other hand clutches at Julius’ wrist, and it’s so _wrong_ but god, it feels so right.

 

(julius touches himself right afterwards – he looks at ludger’s come on his hand for a second, and then he’s shoving that same hand into his pants, ignoring ludger’s protest of, “it’s dirty!”

ludger can’t really see anything, just julius over him, but that’s more than enough to get ludger half hard again, especially when julius shudders and moans and comes with ludger’s name on his lips)

 

There are other incidents after that first one – Ludger pushes Julius back against the wall and kisses him and they just rub and rut, and Julius feels like a horny teenager all over again. Once, Ludger catches him fresh out of the shower, towel still wrapped around his waist. He doesn’t pull the towel off, but Ludger chases stray drops of water with his tongue and whines softly when Julius says, “That’s enough.”

A few more times they end up on the couch, legs tangled together, half undressed and hands in each other’s trousers – Ludger bucking wildly into Julius’ touch, whimpering, “Brother, brother, _Julius_ ,” and Julius sometimes still feels a little sick over how much of a turn on it is to hear Ludger say his name like that. Rollo interrupts them more than once, jumping up to find out what’s going on, and well, Julius loves their cat but he’s something of a mood killer.

“We could lock him in your bedroom,” Ludger suggests, the first time Rollo does it, but the heartbreakingly plaintive meows put paid to that idea after about five minutes.

“Sorry,” Julius says, releasing Rollo from his temporary confinement, while Ludger grumpily goes to take care of himself in the bathroom.

 

Rideaux notices the change in Julius at work. “ _You’re_ certainly happier,” he says, crossing his arms. “Did your baby brother finally make up with you?” he asks.

“We weren’t fighting,” Julius replies.

(it’s not until much, much later that he will remember that vera had been standing a few feet behind them)

Rideaux scoffs. “Do me a favour, Julius, and don’t lie to my face.” He stalks away, head held high, and honestly... like he hasn’t lied to Julius too.

 

They haven’t been sharing a bed. Ludger wants to, Julius thinks. He sees the way Ludger will linger at his bedroom door each night, glancing between Julius and Julius’ room before murmuring a hurried, “Goodnight,” but he hasn’t _quite_ made the invitation yet. They’ve slept together on the sofa, uncomfortably squashed together, but it’s not quite the same.

The last time they shared a bed, Ludger was all of eleven and still scared of thunderstorms. But Julius doesn’t really want to think about that.

There’s a lot he doesn’t want to think about these days.

Luckily, Ludger proves to be pretty distracting, warm and wriggling in Julius’ lap. His hands are clutching at the short strands of Julius’ hair and he’s moaning softly, arching into Julius’ touch, begging for more, “More, please, Julius,” and Julius pushes Ludger’s trousers out of the way without thinking about it – Ludger’s cock bounces obscenely free, flushed red and drooling and Ludger’s mouth drops open with a shocked cry when Julius wraps his hand around it.

He practically falls off Julius’ lap when he comes, stomach spattered with white and his hands still clenched in Julius’ hair.

It feels like a line’s been crossed, in a way. And looking down at him, his beautiful, beloved brother – the brother Julius would kill for, would _die_ for – Julius doesn’t care about any of those lines at all.

Julius leans down and licks Ludger’s come off the trembling planes of his stomach, tongue teasing Ludger’s navel – Ludger moans brokenly, shudderingly, and suddenly it’s ridiculous that they’ve spent all this time half-clothed and out of each other’s beds.

“Let’s go to bed, Ludger,” Julius says, lips a bare inch from Ludger’s skin.

Ludger sobs, and nods like his life depends upon it.

 

( _yes yes yes yes yes yes_ runs through ludger’s head as julius carries him to his bedroom

he buries his face in julius’ chest – it feels like he wants to burrow beneath julius’ skin and that still wouldn’t be close enough)

 

Ludger shifts restlessly under Julius’ gaze. He looks a little embarrassed, and his eyes are still wet. His hands push and pull at Julius’ sheets, like he wants to cover himself but isn’t – Julius catches one of Ludger’s hands and places it over his heart.

“Oh,” Ludger says, going pink.

“Yeah,” Julius chuckles. “I’m nervous too.”

Ludger reaches up to kiss him, open mouthed and needy. “I want,” Ludger says, half into Julius’ mouth, and that seems to be enough; his hands press against Julius’ sides, flat for a moment, and then begin to explore. One slides over the curve of Julius’ ass, squeezing briefly – Ludger’s eyes light up mischievously, and it’s so _good_ to see that sort of expression on his face again – while the other comes around the other way, moving in jerky, teasing touches ever closer towards Julius’ dick.

“You can touch,” Julius says, propping himself up on one hand. He glances down at the space between them, Ludger’s hand only a scant few inches from where Julius wants it to be.

Ludger swallows. His eyes flick between Julius’ face and cock and then he says, “I- I want to use my mouth.”

Julius is going to be hearing those words for _weeks_.

Ludger wriggles out from underneath him and pushes Julius onto his back. He drops onto the floor, kneeling between Julius’ spread thighs – staring down, Julius can see the white and black crown of Ludger’s head peeking up between his legs and fuck, it looks good, and it’s- that’s his _brother_ , but it’s _Ludger_ and-

Ludger looks up at him determinedly, green eyes glinting, and licks his lips. Julius shudders, his dick twitching. At the first touch of Ludger’s mouth, Julius almost loses it – hot and wet, just _kissing_ \- Ludger’s just kissing the vein on the underside of his dick, carefully, even sweetly, like he greets Julius when Julius gets home, and it’s still enough for Julius to claw at his sheets and groan, “ _Ludger_ ,” all the breath punched out of him.

Ludger licks his lips again, and his tongue _just_ catches on the head of Julius’ cock, drawing a moan from Julius. He wants to flop back on the bed, but the idea of _looking away_ -

No, just no.

Ludger licks him again, kittenish. Little, delicate laps of his tongue over the head of Julius’ dick, and Julius is _fighting_ to keep from thrusting up, because he wants to, oh how he wants to- and then a longer lick, base to tip, and Ludger smiles a little smugly, and opens his mouth and carefully eases Julius’ cock into his mouth and _oh_ -

“L-Ludger,” Julius says, because no other word even _exists_ , and he can’t help his hips’ movements now.

Ludger chokes a couple of times, overeager, but he pushes Julius down and says, “No, I’ll get the hang of it, I want you to come, Julius,” and goes right back down until Julius is spilling into his mouth.

Julius can only stare as Ludger swallows – even though he’s only just come, a sharp line of heat runs through him again. He hauls Ludger back up the bed, into a possessive kiss, licking every last trace of his taste out of Ludger’s mouth.

They’re both shuddering by the time they break apart, Ludger rutting against Julius’ thigh and panting.

“Wait,” Julius says, “just a moment,” kissing Ludger’s brow and rolling over to his bedside table. He rummages through the drawer, retrieving lube and condoms – he’d felt sick with nerves buying them, _sure_ the cashier would know what they were for, _who_ they were for – and dropping them on the bed between them.

Ludger colours. “You too?” he mumbles, and it _shouldn’t_ be hot to realise that his little brother’s been thinking about this but- but it is.

“If we’re going to do this,” Julius says, quietly – and they _are_ , he knows they are – “then we’re going to be responsible about it.”

“I know that!” Ludger says, shoving at Julius’ shoulder. “I just. I just wanted to make sure.” He bites his lip. “We’re. We’re brothers.”

Julius cups Ludger’s cheek and gives him a butterfly quick kiss. “We are. Don’t ever forget that Ludger. Even- even if this doesn’t work out, you’re still my brother. I’ll always love you, and nothing will _ever_ change that.”

Ludger gives a small nod, and lets himself be rolled onto his back, still not quite meeting Julius’ eyes.

Julius picks up the lube and coats his fingers as carefully as he can. “Ever- ever done th-”

“No!” Ludger shouts. He subsides a little. “No,” he repeats. “I was- I wanted- it was- _you_ ,” he finally chokes out, “only you, Julius,” and Julius has to kiss away the misery in Ludger’s voice.

“I’m here, Ludger, I’m here,” Julius murmurs, kissing his way along Ludger’s jaw. “Can I?”

“Y-yeah,” Ludger replies, spreading his legs.

In his most private and darkest fantasies, Julius might have imagined this. Not as something that could ever happen, no, but as some sick and twisted dream – a wish he wanted fulfilled. But he could never have imagined the way Ludger would move beneath him, the urgency of his cries, or the sinuous movement of his hips. He would never have _dreamed_ of Ludger reaching for him and saying, “Julius, _please_ ,” wide-eyed and panting, mouth slack and wet.

No, Julius’ fantasies had never accounted for real life.

 

(he feels raw, open. not just where julius _is_ opening him – and ludger’s shivers and spreads his legs wider to think of it, to think that soon julius will be inside him _properly_ , that soon julius will be _one_ with him – but in a different way too, like-

like julius is looking down into ludger’s heart and seeing all the thoughts and feelings ludger thought he’d hidden there, and instead of being disgusted he’s _happy_ and it hurts but in a good way

if there’s one thing ludger knows for sure about being in love, it’s that a lot of it hurts but in a good way)

 

Ludger looks a little surprised when Julius rolls them over again, but then Julius guides him down, carefully, oh so very carefully onto his cock and Ludger’s mouth falls open – he stares up at the ceiling, gasping, hands on Julius’ chest and he’s shaking as he’s filled-

“Julius,” Ludger whimpers, “Julius,” like he’s forgotten every word but Julius’ name, and the tears that have been threatening for a while now finally spill over. They track down his face, no matter how much Julius wipes them away, and Julius is _sure_ he’s done something wrong but then- “I’m so happy,” Ludger breathes, even though his tears are falling like rain.

Julius sits up to hug Ludger and simply says, “Yeah, me too.”

 

Julius wakes up to a familiar, soft feeling. He’s warm, safe and he can smell Ludger’s shampoo. It’s almost a shame to open his eyes.

“Julius,” Ludger says, “wake up. You have to get a good night’s sleep, remember?”

Julius blinks blearily. “Ludger?” he asks.

“My exam’s tomorrow, remember?” Ludger says, a little more forcefully.

Julius pastes on a smile. “Oh yeah! Hmm, well, I guess we’d both better get to bed then. We’ve both got to be up bright and early first thing tomorrow morning, huh?”

“Yeah!” Ludger grins, and gets up to head for his room. He stops outside his door, glancing back and looking maybe... a little disappointed. “Well... goodnight then, Julius!”

“Hang on a sec,” Julius says, catching Ludger just before he goes, and pulling him back for one quick kiss. “Good luck tomorrow, Ludger.”

Not that it’ll do him any good.

After Ludger’s door closes, Julius murmurs, “And... don’t hate me for this.”


End file.
